Why talking about dying, matters

Perinatal Mental Health Lead for Health Visiting at Kent Community Health NHS Foundation Trust, Nicola Miller’s, mum Sally Miller was diagnosed with dementia in 2020 and her dad, Kevin Miller has had cancer for seven years. She recently had open and honest conversations with her parents about their end of life wishes.

With my nurse’s head on I know it’s not a good prognosis. Metastatic cancer is not something you want to tell anyone about, especially to someone who is caring for a sick loved one who is so reliant on them.

Last weekend I took part in the Ride London Essex and rode 100 miles with some fantastic friends. It was a huge challenge both physically and mentally having to dig really deep towards the end.  There were spells during the day, particularly near the end when I felt overwhelmed and tearful, but the thought of my folks got me through. My Dad was into cycling in his younger days and had been telling me about his 100-mile exploits and how proud he was of me doing this ride. It just pushed me on harder in those difficult times.  Lots of quiet time on the bike to reflect and regroup put me in a great place to face the conversations I knew I needed to have with my parents this week.

I popped down to see them as I always do on a Friday and after some quality time together having a spot of lunch we opened the door to those sad but so important end of life conversations. I have known for a long time that we needed to have these and so has Dad, but it is not something you relish and can keep putting it off.

To my surprise Dad had already started to make some plans and had created a document for me with all the important bits that to him needed to be shared, financial documents, passcodes and house documents. He shared things he had kept throughout his life and asked me to take them home and keep them safe, little memories, cards I had made as a child, letters from him to Mum.

We sat and chatted about what they both wanted at the end, funeral arrangements, ashes to be scattered and the way they wanted to be remembered. Plans for Mum if Dad should leave us, plans for him in the reverse situation. Assurance I will be there every step of the way with them, they will not be alone and they didn't need to worry. We shared some tears, but also some smiles. Strangely, this conversation I had been putting off for so long was quite assuring and therapeutic. We all felt a sense of calmness and a recognising that we have some very sad times ahead, but we were prepared and Dad did not need to worry about any of it, I have it all in hand.

I drove home from Hythe that afternoon with a sense of sadness, but also a sense of "I have this" and I will be making sure I spend as much quality time as I can with them, treasure and enjoy them.

Nicky is raising money for Alzheimer's Society by doing a marathon over the Brecon Beacons in June.

Preparing for end-of-life at home

Did you know our website has a section dedicated to end-of-life, with practical advice and support for patients and carers about what to expect, including wellbeing and finances, what to do when someone dies at home and who can help you with the process.