Like a loud concert in my head: OCD and me

by Health Inequalities and Partnerships Manager, Helen Merrick.

If I was to describe the ‘me’ everyone’s sees at work I’d probably say I am creative, upbeat, organised and can confidently chair a meeting.

But, inside things are a little bit different.

Since I was young I’ve had obsessive behaviour, anxiety and panic attacks.  More recently, I have been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and have been through the initial diagnostic tests for autism.

I think my symptoms for OCD really came on when my parents went through a divorce. I remember spending lengthy periods of time in the bathroom washing my hands till they got quite sore. I was also very particular about where items were placed.

When I was finally diagnosed with OCD I learnt that it was on the same spectrum as hoarding, something I had experienced as a child as well. I would have vast collections of specific items such as car air fresheners, sugar packets and some perishable items.

As I got older I experienced intrusive thoughts and believed that if one event took place, this would trigger another set of events. For instance, believing that family members would die if they left the house.

A few years ago I had a mental breakdown. The stresses and pressures got too much. I couldn’t remember how to do simple tasks such as making a cup of tea and the fear of germs prevented me from leaving the house or using certain objects.

It was after this that my conditions were formerly recognised. At the start of the pandemic I also became a carer for my husband unexpectedly.

I then had to support family members after a house fire. I became very concerned about cleanliness, performing rituals such as the order in which I carried out behaviours and my Husband carrying out certain tasks so that I could be reassured that nothing would happen to him. It has impacted my relationships.

Now, as an adult, my OCD is often worse if any of the people I care for are having a bad episode as it can trigger intrusive thoughts.  As soon as I wake up it can be like having a loud concert in my head with multiple thoughts all tangled and all happening at once.

Tasks like getting dressed can feel exhausting as I overthink everything. I have on occasion turned back home worrying that I didn’t check something like a plug at home before leaving for the office.

I will check the handbrake and doors enough times so that I feel satisfied, but often I will return to the car to check again. Sometimes the thoughts will go away and other times I don’t feel strong enough to not give in to them in order to feel calm again.

Work can be terrifying because triggers are everywhere and when I am going through a bad patch with my OCD I feel them every day. One desk with crumbs or a dirty mug can at it’s worst leave me doubled over, having a panic attack or feeling physically sick.

If I don’t sit in one of my ‘usual’ spots in the office, I can feel extremely distressed, my heart will race and I go dizzy. It’s tiring, having to push down feelings that are so intense and it can take a long time for me to settle and feel calm again.

Helen was nominated for a Staff Award for Health and Wellbeing

I returned to KCHFT in the height of the covid pandemic and instantly I could feel that this culture was different.

My line manager showed me that to him, my difficulties were just as important as something more obvious, like a physical impairment. We have walking 1 to 1s which help me to open up as I am much more relaxed. He is flexible with the format of appraisals so I have a mind map which I can talk around rather than having to sit and face each other straight on.

My colleagues are aware of my OCD and are always willing to swap desks if I need to sit somewhere, although most of the time I will choose to “ride the wave” as it does help me to gain a sense of achievement when I haven’t had to give into my intrusive thoughts.

Becoming Chair and then Co-Chair of The Disability and Carers Network, gave me an outlet to discuss my feelings, hear from others and gain solidarity with others like me. We’ve built a really strong community and I am so proud of all the lives we’ve improved.

Since working here I’ve managed to shake off the shame and now have a real sense that my conditions actually help me to be really great at what I do. All my life I’ve often felt that I’ve struggled to have someone in my corner, so to be in someone else's corner in my work in health inequalities and in my network role helps me to feel like I am making a difference.

Here are the reasonable adjustments I have in place to help me work to my full potential:

1. Allowance of flexing start and finish times when in the office: This stops me panicking more about over checking the house or car as I know I have a buffer if needed.
2. I start early in the office: This means I can drive at times when traffic is less and so I have more of a choice of desks. Desks can freak me out if they have been left dirty.
3. Frequent check ins with my manager. His empathy and understanding make working life so much better.
4. Walking 1 to 1s: I am much more productive when I move and then I don’t think about eye contact and how I am presenting myself.